last blog

well i had a whole blog wrote on that last one but for ome reason it didn't post it only the title and didn't feel l ike posting another one. i stayed home from work today i just feel so run down and i've had a mild fever the last 2 days, but i had a drs appt set up for a couple weeks now for an annual checkup with my gyno and didn't wanna cancel. i just figured i should start getting annual checkups it was awful i just laid there and cried i don't wanna do it again but i know i need to. amanda you need to to! now i know why u hated them mom. awful. i was watching gilmore grls tonight and i just wanted to say a few things to my mom. i know it seems like i don't need you but it's soo not true i need you but i'm trying not to need you, i don't know if that makes sense i dunno. i love you super super much and my first night here i just cried myself to sleep cause i didn't wanna move and be by myself i wanted to stay in the comfort of the house, it gets so lonely sometimes and it seems like i don't wanna be down there on the weekends and it's only because i have to go home to an empty house and if i'm not having a good time or connecting with ya'll then it doesn't hurt as much, but i realized it's super unhealthy. and hurtful to you and i'm so sorry cus the last thing i want to do is hurt you. i love you mommy. the reason gilmore grls sparked that is cus i watched the 7th season so sad. well i g2g and take a nice shower and clean up the living room and my room.

tired

early

well it's either really early or super late your pick... but i've been tossing and turning all night long just not sure why so i haven't got a wink of sleep i'm gonna be a total crab tommorow or rather this morning, sorry guys! i made tamales!!! yay!! what?? you ask... well i have been saying i was going to make tamales but never actually made them well i did it yesterday i made a ton, steamed 5 and i ate 1 and sent the other 4 with dez and she gave me an awesome compliment that they remind her of her man eroles grandmas tamales. except they have cheddar cheese instead of queso, but she said she kinda liked it better that way so i said we'll just call them an american version haha! i'm getting ready to steam up a few to take back to the rents and sis and chris, and then i have some left so i'm gonna steam them before work teusday and have one for lunch and give the 2 mexicans a couple just to see if they are truly any good or not. i'mgonna try desert tamales when i feel up to it cus they are a lot of work! aww dez helped me rearrange my kitchen cabinet so now i can fit all my groceries in there. haha. and she's so clever cus she put everything to where you can read what it is. well i better go start my water for the tamales they take 50 mins to steam, and you have to keep filling the water back up haha. i'm gonna have to get a collapsable steamer it'll be easier.

better

ok i feel way better now, cus i got right up after that last post pulled my exercise thing out and got on it, not for long but who cares?!?! then my legs were like rubber so i got out my weights and worked on my arms then i felt good so i walked around inside my apartment and was feeling awful about the kitchen so i cleaned it one room at a time it'll go back to non chaos haha. took forever to do the dishes but i did them and i have a ton of groceries meaning stuff to cook. tommorow i make tamales hopefully i don't sleep till dark thirty! haha. i'm going to sit down and wind down now on the couch thing. oh my fav song just came on! i hate when that happens right when you are going to do something else. i've been having probs with my alarm and was almost late for work yesterday friday. 3 day weekend i want to clean and stuff and laundry now so i can just enjoy my weekend i'm getting kinda hungry so i think i'll cook something ugh dishes oh well i'll live, nobody worry i'm just really emaotional cus i'm expecting a visit from and evil aunt name flow. haha ciao!

lonely

i'm sitting here in my apartment just feeling so lonely, fat,ugly. everything. and it doesn't help when i go home i still feel just as lonely. i haven't felt like this in a long time, and i hate it i wish i could just rip my fat off. why am i like this?? i hate the way i look. ok music changed so i'm better now, i think i might pull out my exercise thing right now and get on there. ciao.

misc pics of me and 1 of dez

restless

well just sitting at moms house feeling restless i can't get to sleep to much stuff on my mind but not going to get into all that. mom made the best peach cobbler!! yum yum!! we grilled out and watched a movie pretty good night all around. my tongue ring came unscrewed yesterday and it fell out it freaked me out big time to! but my tongue is all healed up and i can take it out and stuff with no probs. it was so funny i showed amanda and she was all like ewww!!! my nose piercing is infected so i am going to have to get some sea salt and mix with water and spray it on like i should've done in the first placebut was to lazy well gonna go ciao!